was just looking thru some stuff.

its unbelievable how the jc kids look so small, look so xiao geena

its quite amazing how i once thot that jc was THE WORLD
that it was probably as big as it gets, graduate from jc, go uni, graduate again, marry, work and wait to die

my world view was so narrow then
jc was enuf a playing field for me then, anything bigger scared scared me

haha quite amazing actually
though physically at 18 puberty's well expected to be way over
the mind continues to grow at astonishing rate

as surprised as i am now, i wouldnt be surprised to find out 3 years later i will look back and think of the 3 years as i now think of the previous 5




this blog is almost dead.
but i won't let it be dead.
let this be a chronicle of my life.

hahah i m still waiting for the group to come back together after the temporary seperation.
and then see you again.

do u know

do u know that i juz found coldplay songs on one of the computers in sgh student lounge

i miss the times we used to play marvel vs capcom together
hahaha, its always "one more game" back then

and angsty tan will be angsty-ing behind us, coz we are gonna be late for clinics haha

hahaha MVC feels different without u around man
maybe not the fact that ur not around , but more of like i can never play MvC with you ever again
sigh

bobo wish you were here.

for you

haha
its like so fucking saddening but i still cant help but laugh when i tink of you
coz i know we will juz tink of something stupidly funny everyday without fail, and no one else in the cg will get it except for us,
or at least until we xplain it to them hahahah
and then still, its juz the two of us laughing hahahahahahah

hahah. i miss you.
and fuck you! i know u will start getting all gay on me when i say that hahahahaha
and then all of a sudden leonard will get roped along and there will be a "PILE-UP" hahhah but of coz unfortunately no pile-up ever happened =( hahahah
and luckily too, coz we both noe how that would make the GERD-man work up
all those abdominal pressure hahah


you know, when u told me abt how ur ri class only started calling u bobo after they heard ur mom calling u dat
i was thinking how come so strange, how come nid the mom to make them start calling you bobo
coz i found it so so so easy to call you bobo, it juz comes so naturally
like when i get to know you, i knew you MUST be a BOBO
nothing else fits as well hahaha
wenbo sounds so .... officially distant
its like something only official thingys like dean's office will call you by
to me, u would always be BOBO haha



hahahaha fuckkkkkk i still cant believe ur my ri senior class hahahahahahahahah
its so freaky, its like , could it be the reason why we end up so gayishly on the same stupid kind of wavelength
haha we could even have been sitting on the same table, but i guess thats too late to find out now gg


hahhah whos gonna say 20 shots nakadeshi to me now?

how bout those high 5s? hhaha

i am so happy to find a scrubs fan in you, did u noe that
i guess its a bit gay to tell u that in person, but yea, its true

coz i m dam glad u did all those high 5s and mental high 5s with me

*MENTAL HIGH 5*



hahah sian. WHO ELSE IS GONNA DISTURB LEONARD WITH ME!
hahhahah i thot we were supposed to disturb leonard in the OT EVERYTIME!!
the PA system wud be so fucking fun to play with
hhahaha can u imagine u go OT 13, den i go OT 1
den i will call and say "Mr leonard tan to OT 1 STAT"
den u will let leonard run a bit, then after a while say "Mr Leonard tan to OT 13 STAT"

or leonard tan the diathermy set hahahahahahah
coz he's juz so HAWT
teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
only you and i can do that to leonard hahahaha

and of coz the classic PR mania with the medical students hahahahaha
i tink you really really did want to do that
or be done to by the original plan as well hahahah
hahahhah FUCK, the look on the medical student would have been GOLDEN hahahaha
(so would u and leonard hahahahahahaha)

and whos gonna send medical students to PR me now?

HAHA FUCK. all these would have been so fun hahahah

fuck man, you are one of a kind man
there's really no one else like u

you know, one day i really wanted to see u as a orthopaedic surgeon
coz i noe u can
maybe can even write stupid blue letters to you
full of swear words and scribbles and obscene drawings hahahahhaah
and in turn receive one from you as well hahahahahahah
i know you will love it, coz your retarded blue letter will definitely brighten up my day too hahahahah


WHOS GONNA DO A PERFECT RENDITION of "HELLO, IS YOUR CHICKEN FRESH" ANYMORE!
including the indian part hhhahahahahaa
and whos gonna do the whole set of DRY HEAVING!
no one else noes it better than you!
hahah


we miss you man, bobo

its been a wonderful year

age brings along with it maturity of thought
looking back never fails to make you feel so incredulous
it really begs the question, was that really how i was last time?

21 is a significant age
but definitely significant enough for one to say,

This is it, i am an adult.

when does one become an adult?

when does one really finally mature?

over the past few years, i always felt that i have finally matured
and with the passing of every year, i m constantly amazed by how much more i have matured, even though i had thought that there was already no more roof to grow

another year beckons, how much more will i grow?

will one ever stop growing? i hope not
isnt it wonderful, to be able to look forward to each new year, knowing that its another year for you to grow again? another chance to gain new perspectives, learn new things abt yourself, and of course about others as well


haha.
i guess, yes, i am excited abt this new year

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes some tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to HAVE it polished

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to MAKE a mountain





-Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful

haha

rusty blogs
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

mean a happy happy life =)

loss of innocence

childlike glee

hahah.

csfc was dam fun and gay
everyday was approached with this childlike glee
even as the day become shitty
even as the day becomes long
we still engaged in childish behavior hahahahah


its dam refreshing realli
all the adult-y stuff and small talk and pretenses
kinda drain and stifle u after a while

small talk. can't stand it.
i understand its necessity, but it doesnt mean i like it
with certain ppl it can be interesting
with ppl who just met u and who genuinely wants to know you better, it can be pretty good.
but with ppl with agendas. that i can't stand

ppl who only tok to certain ppl for certain reasons only
"will it improve my social standing if i chat to such a person?"
such ppl...are just wtf.



what happen to the childlike wonder when we approach things?
what happen to how we used to look for fun in watever we do?




why do we have to grow up so fast.
why do so mani ppl pretend to grow up so fast.

a new post in a long time

been a while isnt it?
since i last posted anything here



well, as i said, heady days indeed





we were always told that God will give us what is best for us, at a time that He knows would be best for us

i have always seen it happened
to myself and to other ppl

but dis time.
hahaha realli leh
after wishing for so long
it realli finally happened

and i tink, its couldnt have been more perfect.
a perfect 21st present indeed




hahah






anyway
clinicals just started
wah lao dam busy

everyday timetable dam long one

stretch until 5pm
dam gg

reach home already so shagged until cannot do anything

sian





gg alrd


ok dun feel inspired to write anymore stuff
only updated at the behest of some fucker.
hahaha
nitez all

heady days

such heady, heady days












indeed.

if you do parry me....

hahahahahahahahahahahh

haiz

Seriously wtf.

i dun feel excited at all abt my 21st birthday



thanks to the fucking exams.





this apathy is rather shocking.
wtf. its my TWENTYFIRST AFTER ALL
how can i not feel anything abt it


fuck man.
seriously, fuck man.

you, sillygirl

*Pinch*

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-200-calories-look-like.htm

Fergieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ------ MY HUMPPPPP

hahahahahahahahahahahahah

haha RIDICULOUS!

hahah omg some of the anthropods are freaking lame

Some species of millipedes secret defensive fluids that cause burns or discolouration.


DISCOLORATION hahah wtf
so what now?
the predator is gonna go "AHH I CHANGED COLOR!!!" and then run away from the millepede?

hahahahahaha WTF

ok found dis amusing

hahahah wtf
i tink study too much liao
found dis blardy amusing
just have to post it


ANYWAY, TO ALL YOU m2 MUGGERS....

CARPE DIEM!!!!

CYST THE DAY!!!!!!!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

hahah

omg
haha
love dis song
somebody will know why hahaha



"Two Sleepy People"

Here we are
Out of cigarettes
Holding hands and yawning
Look how late it gets
Two sleepy people by dawn's early light
And too much in love to say goodnight

Here we are
In the cozy chair
Picking on a wishbone
From the Frigidaire
Two sleepy people with nothing to say
And too much in love to break away

Do you remember
The nights we used to linger in the hall?
Father didn't like you at all
Do you remember
The reason why we married in the fall?
To rent this little nest
And get a bit of rest

Well, here we are
Just about the same
Foggy little fella
Drowsy little dame
Two sleepy people by dawn's early light
And too much in love to say goodnight

Out of the doubts that fill my mind,
I somehow find you and i.....collide

thoughts

seems to have a lot of those these days....thoughts



wanted to write it down before i forget them again








kinda amazing
how people can influence u with the slightest of contact
how many times have u looked at urself and remembered the exact person who influenced u to that particular trait?

kinda amazing isnt it
if u bothered to list out all of such experiences
kinda makes u wonder who u really are actually
just an amalgm of people and personality who u have met in ur life?
but if u tink of it the other way
its not that you arent original
its juz amazing how people can touch ur life
and change it in the smallest way with the tiniest touch

and all these just add up
until u become finally who u are today





all these thoughts started running in my head
when i was using my highlighter
hah.
i wasnt a highlighter kind of person before
and it makes me wonder if i would still be using one today
if i hadnt met a certain person


never fails to make me wonder every time, everytime i use the highlighter

she was very dear to me once
wonder if she really knew how she had influenced me in so mani small little ways



people who entered ur life for the brief-iest of moments
would have inadvertantly influenced u, affected u
touched ur life in ways u never imagined possible



its also kinda scary in a way




who would you be now, if u hadn't met these people?

dun u feel like there's juz this grand scheme
that we are all a small part of it





to be swept away in the grandeur of it all

interesting isnt it

people that never fail to surprise u with a side of them you have never see before





why are ppl always so guarded?




as in realli, why?

when did the turning point come?

when we were all young and innocent
i m sure we expressed freely whatever we felt
and do whatever we felt like doing



its almost as if someone fed us a forbidden fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

all of a sudden
we juz felt exposed and then start building the walls around ourselves


ever wondered why most ppl considered sec sch friends the best friends they ever had
and probably the closest friends they will ever have?


maybe its coz those walls werent well-built yet
people managed to squeeze thru the cracks
and touched ur heart, ur soul
and suddenly u realise, maybe it aint that bad after all

and then that one touch
begun a bond which will never ever break


and den as u get older
as u begun to start mastering the self that u were born with
the walls juz became higher and stronger
ur able to control ur emotions better
to put up a show so convincing that everyone's fooled



almost no one will be ever to break thru that facade
those barriers





almost, becoz in the end, there will always be people that u can't help
but allow into ur innermost cloister




friends who u wished u had met earlier
u know like how there is THE ONE girl/guy who's meant for everyone

i tink there are also friends like that
haha
friends to grow old with (not the romantic kind haha)
friends to laugh with
friends to share your joys and sorrow
friends who will be there simply coz u nid it, whether u asked or not



i tink the only way to describe it is

realli

just blessed.
by God, no less =)

hahah

hahah the song that we discovered while looking for another



RYAN CABRERA

"True"

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

puffy eyes

could never understand how eyes could become puffy and swollen after crying






until i experienced it for myself.



eyes swollen half-shut today
no matter how hard i try to wash my face
it wont reopen
and it hurts like f.


ate reunion dinner with puffy eyes

i tink my mom knows
and i realli appreciate it that she din ask any weird qns




lots of battles ahead


i must learn to deal with it.

Those Puffy Eyes.

threadless tshirt

A CHOICE YOU NEED TO MAKE






the caption for the shirt is supposed to be
"A choice you need to make"



i will always be waiting around the corner for you la

this shirt really describes how it feels like man




the potential is really there man





and i will always be waiting, juz around the corner.
not too far away.

this is juz too damn funny

hahahahahahahah wtf.

MILFs and Necrophillia

haahahahahahahah

Death Cab for Cutie - A Lack of Color

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay










[or should it be 12.45, not 7:03]


hah.

and the GMILFs that we always tok about

hahahaa.

for the only other ANTI-Trends person i know

you know who i m referring to

ur the only other person i know who is AnTi-TreNDs





maybe we are both republicans

hah.

The mystery ensues...

The unfortunate death of the teacher has however led to countless movies being filmed based on her story.





Basically you EDIOT. i m asking u to watch another horror show with me. hahaahahahh.

cool rite
the whole MySTERy i set up for u hahahahahaha

haha sweet anime song

I have words in my heart i want to send to you,
SECRET ROMANCE.
In front of me is someone whom i dun want to disappear,
MYSTERIOUS DISTANCE.
I can't stand to see someone get hurt anymore

YEAHHHHH
I wanna be your knight (I want to become strong)
I wanna be your light, more than now (much more than now)

One day, we will exchange a 100% smile with each other





(quite badly translated i tink, but u get the geez of it)

blogging spree

argh

on a blogging spree

so too mani thoughts whirling back and forth
i want to pen them down
anchor them
stop swirling around in my head



and you.




can't.

get.


u.



out.



of.



my.





head.






help.

cool

dreamt of ppl of ages past

ppl i thot i have forgotten
ppl who were part of my life...a long time ago






interesting
wonder wat it hints of

digging up the past like that

FISH

Comparative genomic hybridization

gone

gone are the hopes


the curse of knowledge
the futility of precognition


shud u try?
but failure only comes after u try


a world of possiblities
a world of luck?



intelligence. blessing or bane?


to be able to see thru everyone
a very painful way to live
knowing how imperfect the world is
or rather.how imperfect humanity is.

humanity is flawed.
not entirely its fault
circumstances forced such a route for its evolution

of coz there will be some saving grace

but the imperfection.overwhelmed the few perfections that were.



how interesting. the perfections that exist
are rarely human.

the rainbow after the rain
the smell of freshness after the rain
the way the whole world is reinvigorated by it



u know i always like the way rain drops roll off the leaf after the rain
den it forms this teardrop that hangs from the tip of the leaf, hanging on for its dear life
defying gravity,
defying destiny.




when they attempt to simulate the world using supercomputers
its like breaking down the world into a program being run on a OS

that makes u wonder doesnt it
are we realli just programs running on a pre-written set of rules
a program running on a OS
written with a programming language, the Word of God



it also makes u wonder
the moment the simulation of the world is perfect
which then, will be the real world?
coz u won't be able to tell anymore

the simulation is perfect

the simulacrum becomes the original





totally fascinating

From Gundam Seed: StarGazer

look up and move on

because u will become jealous or frightened if u look to ur sides or below

anime

hahaha

been watching anime again

the idea of a guy having a secret crush on a girl
and having secret words that he so very much want to tell her
and wanting to be her knight so that she wont get hurt again

hahah awwwww


haha maybe thats the best part abt it

the crush
the inexplicable feeling of attraction

where everything is just sweeter, funnier, prettier







hahaa. there's no love in the world la

only hormones and a ticking biological clock.

hahahahahahahahah

hahah seriously lor

wtfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff








the tree fell on the frog
and the frog limped its way to the clinic




and the clinic took out the blue elephant gun and butted the frog to death










fuck that makes no sense

wah lao eh

somebody punch me







seriously wtf

fuglies man

ok gg

paper in 9 hrs
gg liao

to finally know what u want

i tink i know what i want.






i m no longer aimlessly searching

haha interesting pic

wonder who will actually understand wat dis pic means

for the less intelligent ones, its actually scolding the girls
juz read a lot harder into it and u can get it already




then again, there are not too mani smart ppl in the world

at least not in sg

the truth

rock and roll ain't dead.




but love is.







speaking to so mani people, i realise that the love they have, are not realli love
the relationship simply started as admiration of achievements, followed by the inertia that prevents the break-up


what happens to the good ol love that has been sung abt since the ancient ages?

its all gone.
or maybe it wasnt even there in the first place.

it was all imagined.




even after so long, ppl still marry for a steady income and the ability to provide.
isnt that sad.its so caveman.
"i will marry the guy that puts the most meat on the table"


i even have a fren, who told me that after she got together, thinks that love isnt realli what she thot it was
what if, the reason is simply that the love that everyone thot exists, doesnt?



rock and roll lives.
love is dead, or was never to be.

Mad World - Gears of War

there was dis dam good game trailer for Gears of War
they played dis song in the background
it created this surreal feel in the whole trailer
kinda depressing, but the trailer was indeed very well made and i tink that was the intended effect.

just check it out at youtube
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IrL96H2wEVc


All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Going nowhere,
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
No expression,
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles,
It's a very very,
Mad world,
Mad world,
Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy birthday,
Happy birthday,
And I feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen,
Sit and listen,
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me,
No one knew me,
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,
Look right through me,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles,
It's a very very,
Mad world,
Mad world,
Enlarging your world,
Mad world...


Gary Jules

haha it realli is a rusty old blog

woah
its realli been a while since i last post man
hahah

so here's a joke

whats so bad about eating vegetables?







those damned wheelchairs

sunblock and nonsunblock

hahaha
its quite ridiculous

when i never put sunblock , my skin never peel at all

but the moment i put sunblock, the skin starts peeling like hell

zz -_-'

chio

abt education

somehow
i feel that as a student in UNI
we shud have more control abt how we want our own education to be like
i mean, if the tutorials seriously suck, and its juz a blardy waste of time
go ahead, pon it, and mug by urself
do something more productive!!!

seriously.

for the same amt of time spent, we do realli want to most out of it, dun we?

no point suffering in a lecture or tutorial when it sux

seriously dun understand the mentality of ppl who absolutely detest ponning

the super guai kias






quite gross, some of them, if u ask me

the most lovable buggers in the world!

hahaha had my company dinner on saturday back in RI

i would like to declare.....

THESE ARE THE MOST LOVABLE BUGGERS IN THE ENTIRE WORLDD!!!!!!

woah just realised it

mm
i was thinking abt my post on the way u think

den suddenly i realised
why i always felt like i was thinking in feelings

coz i simply tink too fast for the words to be actually read out in my mind...

hence i always thot that it was a blur of feelings in my mind when i m tinking of something.....like it was almost spontaneous

woah just realised it

mm
i was thinking abt my post on the way u think

den suddenly i realised
why i always felt like i was thinking in feelings

coz i simply tink too fast for the words to be actually read out in my mind...

hence i always thot that it was a blur of feelings in my mind when i m tinking of something.....like it was almost spontaneous

the final closure

ok dis is it
a certain chapter of my life has juz closed

i have been saying it for a while

but not with as much conviction and finality as dis

i have enuf of it already
wasted so much....time

watever

everything is gonna be different

haha

on a brighter note

m2 topics ae interesting

realli lor

realli lor
some ppl in dis world realli deserve to get whack

dis is it

been wanting to blog a few times before dis

but it juz died off after a few sentences...

haha

mmm
i tink my linguistic skills have gone to shit
i can't seem to articulate my thoughts and describe my feelings as well as i used to

and i m becoming more and more lazy
i seem to be thinking in terms of .... feelings
using intuition for everything
not even seriously working my brain

i remember how mr mag. the deputy headmaster of ri
tried to start a thinking campaign in ri
hahah
i tink i was sec 2 or sec 3
it was called Think.RI
or something

haha
he tried to make every alphabet stand for someting
pretty lame
but he was right

most of the time we dun even conciously bother to tink
we just .... do it
have u thot abt ur own thought processes?

i can feel that i m not as sharp as before
maybe its the four months of holidays that did me in

but yes, its definitely not as sharp as before
mmm can't wait for m2 to start
as in the real hardcore thinking and mugging
not those lameass introductory lectures that tell u shit abt nuthin

maybe i will wake up then



yes i will.

medicamp pic!! my anat class!

haha

hehehe
kekeke
hahaha
hohoho
tsktsktsk
kikiki

siannnn
i feel like a cauldron of swirling emotions
i dun even noe wat i shud feel

its juz......confused

zz

hahha

hhaha i tink i m such a fool
do u noe i was juz behind u, singing love songs and imagining i was singing them to u

ahaha

damn u girl

ur making me go crazy

i am such a fool

a fool in love with u
ahha

medicamp

ho ho ho
medicamp starts in less den 12 hrs

excitment!

biGmoney

ho ho
can't wait

biG MONEYYzzzzz

just breathe

damn
holidays gonna come to an end

gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

ogl camp juz ended

pretty darn fun

the dry games were juz hilarious
cheated my way to victory every game
hahahaha

gay man
hahaha

but i still believe that the most fun part of orientation is not the games
its the interaction between and after the games
when its free time

stayed up till 4am playing spastic games
much much much more fun than the games we played

except maybe the wet game where me and raymond chiong and drag jj across the mud
HAHAHaHHHAHHA
noObbbbbb

gross man his whole arm and leg kenna the muD
LoL

hahah discovered that we will be having a very interesting m1 joining us during medicamp
hahahahahhaha

can't wait for medicamp

4days of fUNz anD jACcuZi

HOHOHOHoHOohoHoHOHohO

new anat fotos!

put up fotos from the anat outing

haha check it out at

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AZuGLRk3ZsmLqI
thanks to michael for uploading!!!

5am

i love 5am mornings

its so quiet and cooling

i tink i m coming to realise i hate living in flats

the noise is terrible man
and the privacy is CRAP

and i would very much like to live alone too

sometimes parents and siblings are simply hassles






so confused
leading double lives
shud i stop?

the only comfort

the only comfort i have,
is that even as i look at the clear blue sky
i know that its at least the same sky that you are looking at

no matter where u are

been a long time

do i realli like her or do i juz like the idea of liking someone?

but one thing for sure
ur the only girl that can make me speechless

The Aftermath

well
dis is it. its one week since the end of pros.

finally enjoyed myself enuf to settle down and blog

finally went for a haircut too
got rid of that disgusting mass of unkempt hair
hahahahah
impossible to maintain i tell u

JJ's salon at goodwood park hotel rox man
the services are dam good
and she got my hair right exactly the way i wanted!!!!
daaaaaaam happy man

for so long i have become sian of all the hairdressing places liao
resigning myself to the fact that none of them can cut my hair to the way i wanted
but jj's salon rox man!!!
got it the way i wanted
hahahahah

its not inside goodwood park hotel, but at its seviced apartments deep inside the carpark

quite hard to find if u dun noe the place
but i tell u man, once u find it u wont change ur hairdressing place liao

hahah

dis week was spent half enjoying and relaxing
and the other half spent worrying abt vivas

now that all the vivas list are out and i am not on any of them
i can finally relax a bit and wait for the next hurdle
THE SUBPAPER LISTS

4th of may

that's it man
the day the lists come out

well
for now, half a month of slacking awaits
before i make further plans for the hols

if nothing goes wrong, i will have 16 weeks of holidays
till august 01
hahahahhaahhahahahah

shiok






on another note
during this week
i have been surfing around quite a bit
saw quite a number of blogs by doctors
in various countries and at various points in the medical career ladder

and i m reading a book called Death of the Good Doctor
i must say
the medicine career that lies aheads intrigues me to no end

so many wondrous things that i have read
so many trials and tribulations waiting for me

i tink i m ready to try and take them on


so, please, pleaes, please
let me pass m1 and go onto m2

Tong Hua

童话 by 光良

忘了有多久 再没听到你对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了 是不是我又做错了什么
你哭著对我说 童话里都是骗人的 我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后 我的天空 星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你

你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局

你哭著对我说 童话里都是骗人的 我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂 从你说爱我以后 我的天空 星星都亮了
我愿变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局

我要变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
我会变成童话里 你爱的那个天使 张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里 幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

sian

even lebin got his gal in the end.

where is my giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrlllllllllllll

cardiac tamponade

cardiac tamponade has nothing to do with tampons.

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned

long jeans

hey

have u thought abt people who wear super long jeans that drag on the floor?

have u seen how the floor in some of the toilets in singapore are like so full of pee?

can u put those 2 together and imagine the consequences?

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

win liao la

imagine how sick it must feel
at the end of the day
u check the end of ur pants
u realised u juz soaked up the entire floor's worth of pee from the coffeeshop toilet u juz visited
and when u take off ur jeans before u shower
u ankle actually touched the wet slimy halfdried pee of a half a dozen man who u dun even know

hhahahah

shiok not?

its been a long time

woah forgot to update for dam long

anywayz

juz wondering


remember last time dove had advertisments where they said their Dove Soap is pH 7?

i was thinking
Soap is soapy becoz its alkaline
so how can it be at a neutral pH and yet still be alkaline?

dat is uber gay man

John Dorian

juz watched scrubs season 2

Dr jOhn dorian......

he is very inspiring to me somehow

dun noe
shruG




show me some siGns man

dun keep me in a limbo

i juz can't stop thinking abt it

until u give some finality to it

i guess dis is realli my calling

today i sat in my physio tutorial
and i was just soaking up watever the tutor was saying

i was glad i went
peter huang is kinda slow for someone our age
but i realise its the best for teaching us stuff after all

physio is realli realli realli cool
i love the way the physio tests us
challenging us to think

others like anat or biochem is juz plain boring
always relying on some small hidden gem of truth in the textbook to trick us

physio is like a yet to be gf
constantly teasing
the truth always juz so achingly almost within reach

and when u grasp the truth in ur hands finally
it is almost like a ....... mental orgasm

juz feel nice and warm throughout

hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha

if its already like this studying physio

i just can't wait to start my journey as a full fledged doctor

the mental orgasm from the hands on experience and solving real life crisis....
can realli bring on other type of orgasms.....

hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

juz joking. but u get the idea.

hahahah

well if anat and biochem is not such bitches
i guess medicine would be thoroughly and absolutely enjoyable

abt valentine's day

to all u lovers out there

do u realli need valentine's day to be especially nice to each other?





just think about it

Another Mayday Song

曲名：爱情的模样

你是巨大的海洋　我是雨下在你身上
我失去了自己的形狀　我看到远方　爱情的模样
曾经孤单的徬徨　曾经相信曾经失望
你穿过了重重的迷惘　那爱的慌张　终于要解放
你是谁　叫我狂恋　教我勇敢的挑战全世界
在一样的身体里面　一样有爱与被爱的感觉
我爱谁　已无所谓　没有谁能将爱情划界限
在一样的身体里面　迷样的魔力却是更強烈
星星在夜空中闪亮　星空下我不停流浪
此生我无知的奔忙　因为你眼光　都化成了光亮
这世界全部的漂亮　不过你的可爱模样
你让我举双手投降　跨出了城墙　长出了翅膀

疯狂世界

lyrics are meaningful.
love it


MAYDAY

如果说了后悔 是不是一切就能倒退
回忆多么美 活着多么狼狈
为什么这个世界 总要叫人尝伤悲
我不能了解 也不想了解

我好想好想飞 逃离这个疯狂世界
那么多苦 那么多累 那么多莫名的泪水
我好想好想飞 逃离这个疯狂世界
如果是你 发现了我 也别将我挽回

想了你一整夜 再也想不起你的脸
你是一种感觉 写在夏夜晚风里面
青春是挽不回的水 转眼消失在指间
用力的浪费 再用力的后悔

ur clothes reflect ur mood

mm
i tink clothes reflect our moods

and i tink everyone in sch is dressing more and more darkly
hahaha

sian
must be the looming exams

some thoughts

i was watching tv juz now
and den there was dis guy who was like making pasta dough with his bare hands
den he keep tokking abt how smooth a good pasta dough should be and den after he says that he will rub is against the inside of his wrist everytime

den as i watch him continually doing that, i realise something

ALL HIS BLARDY EPIDERMAL CELLS ARE SCRUBBED OFF ONTO THE DOUGH ITSELF

BLARDY HELL

that's mother disgusting
with the force that he mixes the dough, all the skin cells from the fingers, the wrist
will CONFIRM rub off onto the dough

even though u will cook it and sterilise it
IT STILL DOES NOT REMOVE THE FACT THAT UR EATING HIS STERILISED SKIN CELLS

OMG

i can't believe people are so crazy about HANDMADE NOODLES
without thinking abt how using bare hands to make those noodles could affect the dough itself

and i can't believe i was crazy abt the ban mian at RI last time
and i never once thought abt it dis way

omg its realli sick now dat i tink of it

eatting the dead skin cells of all those wrinkly old china women
omgoodness

CARNIBALISM!!!!!

OMG!!!!

WE JUZ COMMITTED CARNIBALISM

its a sick sick thought , i tell u

i hope i have infected u with it =)





hahahah
sick la




machine made noodles for me anytime maaaaaaaan

GIVE ME SOME GOOD OL MAGGIE MEE!!!!

my anat group

hahah my anat group all wore red for the last weekday of the lunar year 2005

Battle of the LAMERS = Kaihung VERSUS JJ

VERSUS




vote for ur lamest guy now!

hahah

hahahh was juz looking thru my army pics
and i saw this

his name is kooi man
hahahha

i realli enjoyed sispec man.

what a weekend

updatezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

went MoS

fREAK MAN

it SUCKS big time

o mannnnnnn

whats the deal abt decor anywayz

sure it looks nice and stuff
but man the atmosphere is all wrong
for retro the music was dam shiTTY. n the crowd seriously belonged to retro. READ: OLD FARTS.

wth man

den the all white place....was filled with SPGs and ang mohs
get lost man
DO WE realli NEED ANOTHER club for SPGs and ANG MOHS?

the trance is insane la
wth
the music is blasting so friggin loud
i tink we probably can get a group of doctors to sanction the closure of trance dancefloor base on health reasons alone
lol
ITS CRAP MAN
and its so freaking dark at trance dancefloor can't even look for friends

blardy hell

den RnB
ok
i tink RnB is a cool place
BUT its too friggin small
its like almost every person in MoS wants to go the RnB Cage
and the management is retarded man
they juz let everyone inside in the end, after some staggering which proved to be useless

wth man
inside was like sardines
u can't move man
if u move
u will end up shoving the guy blocking u so hard he and a whole group will prolly fall
gaY la
so suffocating
and disgusting
too mani ppl in too small a room
trance had a lot of space lor
coz so friggin loud

retro was crowded but filled with old farts
siANz

wth man

to tell the truth
i tink MoS got the recipe ALL WRONG

RnB is the rage now man
and u noe why?
coz RnB = SEX music
it realli puts u in the mood

and if u tink abt it

tastes will change

BUT ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH SEX WILL NEVER BE OUTDATED
evolutionally speaking, it HAS to be that way

BUT TRANCE
WHO THE HELL LISTENS TO TRANCE NOWADAYS!?!!!!???!!?
confirm die out one day
even bengs will get sick of being bengs man

wth man
seriously MoS got the whole recipe WRONG

i tink zouk is still the best multi-genre club around

MoS can go SUCK MY SHIT

yuck dam disgusting

i had a dam lousy nite
and wasted 25 bux
SIANz

the only good thing that happened on saturday nite
was dat i saw DAWN YEO

yes

the scandalous girl from rjc who had a plastic surgery scandal

woah she look dam chio AND real
but u noe its realli all juz thanks to the scapel
but its juz so realistic u can't tell that anything has been done to it
anywayz
watever la
she's still chio
shruG

gay la
MoS sux

suuuuuuper nice

shit man
someone teach me how to let songs play in the background of the webbie
so that i can let u guys listen to dis wonderful song


曲名：明白 歌手：五月天 专辑：爱情万岁


老地方相見　如果你發現你還有留戀

就像你不願丟棄的相片　你心中的我還隱隱約約

枯坐在窗前　有一個刻滿諾言的昨天

愛上一個人即使他不再出現　也不願拋棄最後的情緣

縱然世界闊　外面的精采好多

給你的愛那麼多那麼濃　你還是不懂

我矛盾的心　不願反覆的猜　希望你能明白

我在這裡等待　就算天塌下來　希望你能明白

昨天還在眼前　可愛的美好的卻一片混亂

整個胸口　一直地不停的轉不停的轉

我的名字叫期待

我矛盾的心　不願反覆的猜　希望你能明白

我在這裡等待

就算天塌下來　希望你能明白　(就等著你明白)

oh no

oh no
i tink i hav lost touch with what is important in life

gg

yet another new couple in medicine

and once again

i m tempted to get attached...







the revival of a beauty
lately someone's looking pretty once again
will i be good enuf?

why is the world not perfect?

he who promised but do something else
he who is trusted to a secret and break the trust for personal gain
he who uses u to get attention
he who abuses his looks to get what he wants
he who disarms u with a fake smile
he who pretends to be a nice guy to everyone
he who is only interested in advancing his own objectives
he who is only interested in getting close to girls
he who abandons brothers for girls
he who trys so hard to be high profile by pleasing everyone
he who has no balls to say what he thinks and just follow the crowd
he who trys to know the happening people in the hope it rubs off on him
he who judges and critisizes but never admits it
he who changes masks at a whim, as he sees fit to his needs
he who pretends not to judge and critisize in front of the right people. a nice guy, u say?






all of these people
make dis world a less perfect place to live in

cover the face, bomb the base

do u noe what i m tokking abt
no?

thats good

coz i dun either.





somebody save me.

ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR

hahahahaah
another dam funny thing i read in ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR

the fantastic four have juz contacted an alien race
so richard reeds was trying to get across to the alien race and understand each other

den johnny storm aka human torch
was laming around
hahahahah

(once again u gotta click the link to see the thing clearly hahah)

rain

the rain's been making me feel dam down



down and antisocial



sch's starting tmr
i tink i will start sch with a brand new philosophy
dun noe if it will stay with me till the end of the year

shrug



all the best, in 2006

just some thoughts

been staying up a lot lately
actually more like not sleeping at all until the sun is up
and not waking till its almost evening

i realise why i like staying up
staying up makes me feel like i m in total control of my life
able to do anything i want
the lord of the house

i bet if i realli had a house to myself
i will not stay up at all

or at least till the novelty ends

Captain America

omg i was juz reading THE ULTIMATES
its a comic book
and i saw this
ITS DAM FUNNY
ITS CAPTAIN AMERICA SAYNG IT WHILE HE WAS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SOMEONE
(u gotta click on the pic to see it enlarged den u can see the punchline)

a picture of me....

HEY PEOPLE
for all u new readers

here's a latest picture of mE!
check me out!

woah my god

stunning
simply stunning

when she walk in
oh my god
i can juz feel the focus of the whole place shifting

goodness
wat a presence

i was just drawn to her

there was something magnetic abt her,
holding me

i couldnt speak for a while
i wasnt even sure if i shud call out to her

been a while since i met her

and goodness
wat a powerful presence

i have never felt like this before

she felt like a ... goddess

someone unattainable, above us all

oh my goodness
is it even possible for someone to be like dat?
i have never envisioned an asian goddess before

and if i ever did
i tink she would be it

goodness me.
never thot such a person can actually exist

update as requested

hey people

holidays been crazy
juz a lil update abt my hols

went clubbing a lot
and it was blardy fun
haha
and blardy expensive too
shit man
i m dam broke
anywayz

GOT ASKED TO DANCE BY A GIRL!
hahah
rox man
and she's dam cute
haha
that night at gotham penthouse rocked
some cj party with DAMN FEW ppl
dam weird

and weikeong wants me to post dis
SOME GIRL WAS INTERESTED IN HIM IN MAMBO
hahahah
that girl kept asking if he was together with evelyn hahahah
and if he's single
gayyyyyyy

hahaha

this hol's clubbing season rocked
scored like hell =D

those 2 were juz the highlights
hahah
got quite a few girls' numbers
hahahahha
and danced with quite a few
heheheheh
ROX MAN

anywayz
shit man
hols gonna end
i have to go back to mugging
SIANZ
but nvm
i will be going to sch with a NEW FONE!!!!

ahaha
the MOTOROLA L6!!!!!!

omg the fone is gorgeous
SUpeR dUPER slim
and comes with video cam, camera and BLUETOOTH

bluetooth rox man
i got a feww bluetooth handset as well

oh and my number is changed. its now 81136681
love it man

the gay weikeong used bluetooth to send other ppl his contact
and den pretend to be a girl
LOL
gay piece of shit

but den i tink i might do it too
hHAHhahAH
ONLY WHEN I M REAL BORED.

hahahah

anywayz

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS
continue rocking in 2006 man!

moving ahead

u noe
its like everyone around me is moving ahead in their lives
all getting attached and stuff
i wonder if it is dis rampant in other faculties

this is realli crazy man
why r ppl getting attached left right center
realli realli cRaZy
someone must have released some love gas into the aircon system of NuS
GaYYYY la

sianz
the peer pressure is acting again

u noe like last time
when everyone started learning driving
den i was kinda pressured to start learning too
but den things seem to have cooled down, and i started to slack off for driving liao
haha

den now
everyone's like getting attached
i feel the pressure to get attached too
u noe
juz to not miss out on the love bandwagon
when everyone juz seems to be in the loVinG modE
hhaha

actually come to tink of it
i want a gf for the most stupid reasons
hahah
simply to do stupid things with me that no one else will
haha
or do boring stuff with me
like going to orchard library to read comix
or playing with msn video conversation at 3am when i can't sleep

HahAH
siGh
please
let this wave of romantic attachments end soon
othErwise i will feel dam pressured to do something
haha

Physician Development Programme

HHAHAAH!

had my PDP today
pretty cool
got attached to the gay urology dept of NUH

juz one small place tucked in a corner of NUH
highest floor of the new KenT RiDge WinG
blardy hell lor
the first time i went
i almost got lost
its so dam ulu and far frm the main wing
i din even noe abt its existence lor. the gay wing
hidding in one stupid corner

anywayz
its a pretty cool lab
ouR supErvisOR pErson tHinGy is diS guy Called PRoF K
nice guy

saw lots of shiT today

i saw this shockwave procedure thingy, where they used shockwaves to destroy kidney stones.

gay la
hard to believe that only the stones are affected and that the surrounding tissue is essentially unhurt

but why

science seems to involve more and more of the mystics nowadays
where its almost magical, the way it works

oh and i saw a cystoscopy
WAH LAOOOOO
the doc insert a dam LOOOOOOONG thing into the patient's penis
its a camera thingy
it muSt bE DAm pAinful
but den they put some anaestatic lubricant gel thingy first
n the patient claims it doesnt hurt
well, shRug

anyway
pretty cool to peer thru the urethra and den the bladder
too bad the bladder i saw was normal
my fren saw a diseased bladder. full of debri inside
he says looks like tissue paper floating around
lol

was an eye opener man

i m more interested in wat i study now

but first...i gotta tear myself way from my dota and other games....
-_-"

been a long time

yo ppl
been a long time, eh?

post-ca ..... amazingly blurry for me
not much significant events happening

except for the fact i passed my anatomy without studying
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

hHAHAh and so did jason. who din even realise theres an anat CA... LOL

coz wat happened was dis
we have 3 papers in 2 days
first day 1 paper
2nd day 2 papers
so jason thot it was one paper a day, after going thru the first day.
sooo he thot after physio on the 2nd day
no more liao
SO
he only studied physio
LOL
and even played rakion with me the nite before
hahAHhHAhaha
anywayz
dam farnie
the 2 of us still passed even though we din study

ahahahahaahhahahahaha

gAyz

sianz leh
hols are farkinG siAnz
i watch anime until my butt hurts from sitting for so long
niD to finD someThinG goOD to Do

i spent 2 good full days reading on the marvel universe on WIKIPEDIA.com
crazy man
the buggers that take time to post on wikipedia information on the whole marvel universe
its amazing HOW MUCH STUFF THERE IS ON WIKIPEDIA
crazy man
i can literally catch up 20 years worth of comix juz by reading wikipedia

oh and i juz started collecting comics
marvel comics are amazing

anywayz DC comics and Marvel are being gays now
they both created SO FRIGGIN HUGE universes and multiverses
until they r having trouble making sure there's continuity in their stories

SO

now they found a cheapskate ways to earn more big bucks and simplify their universes.

simply. kill them all.

blardy hell

marvel is gonna make almost the whole world of mutants lose their mutant powers
that's dam gay lor
that's the series HOUSE OF M
crazy la
scarlet witch is a bitch
can't stand her
and can't stand marvel
destroy the universe for wat
now comix is gonna be dam boring with so few super powers.

anywayz DC is doing the same too
with the series INFINITE CRISIS
gAY LAAAAAAA
destroy everyone
FOR WAT

gayyyyyzzzzzz

so sianzzzz

anywayz
the comix are still pretty exciting
man. i love it.

oh
the officer buggers juz got commissioned
gAYz
onE baR

now they gonna be king of the world
everywhere they r the biggest liao
sianz

NEVER MIND
juZ WAIT 7 YEARS
i will be even BIGGER

CAPTAIN WONG

ho ho ho

come and fight me den
hahahah cant wait to become a captain man
lol
3 Friggin Bars

song bo
hahahahahahahahahah

ok enuf crap tokking for todayz

i GO waTch More AniMeZ
cyA, my bITchEs

medicine stuff for myself

http://www.ltsn-01.ac.uk/resources/links/links_database/search_free_internet_resources

http://www.cvphysiology.com/Heart%20Failure/HF003.htm#Cardiac%20Changes
http://www.dotpharmacy.co.uk/updiar.html
http://sprojects.mmi.mcgill.ca/giphysio/case2.htm
http://www.medschoolguide.co.uk/forum/index.php?
http://gastroresource.com/GITextbook/en/Default.htm
http://sprojects.mmi.mcgill.ca/giphysio/case1.htm

mmmm

OUR LADY PEACE

"Happiness & The Fish"

I confess
Everyone is overweight
And I'm obsessed
Talking is just masturbating
Without the mess
Addiction leaves you sad today & unimpressed
I can't remember all the names
Everyone you meet today
Is just so fucking vain

Bored again by happiness
All those friends I've (die) lost in there

I'm upset
Happiness is not a fish
That you can catch
Imagination can't resist
The laziness
That pins you down, get on your knees
Everyone you meet today
Is feeling useless & ashamed

KOPED DIS

hahaHHAHAHAHAH
KOPED DIS FROM CHEEKYBYNATURE.BLOGSPOT.COM


Cheeky wants to share the following ghost story he heard a few years ago to everyone. It was originally told by Daniel Ong when he was hosting the late night slot at Perfect 10. Back then, he was quite a decent DJ until Sheik Haikal intoxicated his mind with stuff about white panties. His show was a daily staple for cheeky when he was mugging for his exam. Some of you might have heard the story before, if that’s the case, please piss off.

Before cheeky proceeds, he has to warn you that the story is true and pretty scary, so maybe you would like to surround yourself with loved ones or cuddle up to a teddy bear. And if you have weak bladder, please refrain from reading further cause it’s damn scary.

The story took place during the 7th month of the Chinese lunar calendar and revolved around a young lad named Sam. Sam at that time was working as a general worker, in a small company located at Tuas. During one particular working day, the whole of Sam’s company was requested to work OT in order to meet a deadline due tomorrow. By the time everything was done, it was already past 1 am and Sam was the last person left in the office. He was left wondering whether there were still any bus services at this hour. He decided to try his luck and quickly tidied up the office, locked up and rushed towards the bus stop. The bus stop was situated by a small narrow road with dense forestation surrounding the area. Sam waited for about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a cab when a double deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it down, boarded the bus and the only person he saw on the same bus was a frail ghastly looking old woman. The old woman was dressed in white samfoo and black pant, attire favoured by maids in those early days or “Ma Jie” as they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was about to go up to the upper deck when a voice ranged out in Cantonese, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” It was the old woman. Her comment sent a chill through Sam’s bones and he figured that the upper deck might be “dirty”. He decided to heed the old woman’s advice and grab a seat at the lower deck even though he felt uncomfortable by her presence. It was an agonizing 20 minutes journey before Sam reached his bus stop. He quickly alighted and turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was fortunate to reach home safely.

The next day, Sam was requested to work OT and ended up being the last person left in the office again. It was already past midnight and Sam was contemplating whether to take a cab home but decided against it in the end as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again and after about 20 minutes, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again when the old woman called out to him, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Even though, he heard it before, he still felt a certain fear inside him since it’s the 7th month. To be on the safe side, he reluctantly took a seat at the lower deck again and reached home with no incidents.

The third day, Sam was asked to do OT again. By now he was feeling dreaded and worried as he didn’t want to repeat the same process again. But he obliged nevertheless since it’s his livelihood. He was, you guessed it, the last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked. The double deck bus arrived, he boarded it and saw the same old woman again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous.” Sam was fed up with the old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck and slowly made his way to the back of the bus and sat down. Sam’s heart began pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30 minutes, with nothing happening, Sam went downstairs to confront the old woman and asked her why she kept saying it’s dangerous upstairs. The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, “Young man, don’t go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver.”

Wahahaha, very funny hor.

fucking hell

FUCk MAN
THE FUCKING CAs ARE FUCKING STRESSING ME OUT!

from dictionary.com

came across dis word while studying. dam hilarious, the multiple uses of the word TAMPONADE


tamponade
The insertion or use of a tampon.


-----------------------------------------------

cardiac tamponade

Function: noun
: mechanical compression of the heart by large amounts of fluid or blood within the pericardial space that limits the normal range of motion and function of the heart

Our Lady Peace

"Are You Sad?"

Your life has been so hard
It's dried up angels that can't keep guard
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never planned to fade... away
Stay with me
Stop pretending when they say that you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Please, forgive me,
I'm just a man
Who made mistakes

Stop pretending when they say you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..